I was reading the President’s Report in the autumn newsletter of the South Australian Retirement Village Residents Association (SARVRA). I got to the third paragraph and it made me stop, sit up and think.
President, Pamela Judge, whom I had met only briefly at a conference in March, was talking about a subject that had already been raised to me by a retirement village resident from another state.
“I want to take a few moments of your time,” writes Pam, “to discuss a topic that most concerns me at this moment and this is the matter of the inter-personal conflicts that have been reported to me many times. […]
“It strikes me that human nature almost dictates that we will not necessarily like everyone we meet but, as adults, there needs to be both mutual courtesy and respect for each other. We all live in such close quarters that tensions between fellow residents can cause major disruption in a village and others inevitably get drawn into taking sides, or other-wise, they withdraw from village activities.”
Immediately I recalled an article I had read online from the New York Times back in January, entitled Mean Girls in the Retirement Home. The journalist and author, Jennifer Weinerjan, told the story of her then 97 year old grandmother who had decided to move to an ‘independent living facility’. They use different names in the US to us but this is a place where Weinerjan’s ‘Nanna’ (as she refers to her in the article) lives in her own apartment, with a kitchen, but can choose to eat meals in a dining hall and has access to a range of services and activities.
When Weinerjan phoned her grandmother a few days after the move to see how she was getting on, she was horrified to hear that, while she loved her apartment, the food and the various classes and activities, she was having a rough time settling in and making friends. Weinerjan writes in the article:
Have you made any friends?” I asked, in the same chipper tone I used when my younger child returned from her first day at kindergarten.
There was a pause. Then: “They won’t let me sit at their table!” Nanna cried.
“Wait, what? Who won’t let you sit at their table?”
“You try to sit and they say, ‘That seat is taken!’ ”
“And just try to get into a bridge game,” Nanna continued. “They’ll talk about bridge, and you’ll say, ‘Oh, I play,’ and they’ll tell you, ‘Sorry, we’re not looking for anyone.’ ”
Weinerjan’s Nanna, it transpires, is a victim of bullying. The kind that involves excluding people and making them feel rejected and isolated. According to the author, it was related to her Nanna’s age. The perpetrators of the bullying – the ‘mean girls’ as she describes them – were younger women. Mere octagenerians.
Call me Pollyanna but this story both shocked and disappointed me. Then a few months later I am hearing stories of different but equally mean and bullying behaviour occurring right here in Australian retirement villages.
Can grown-ups be bullies?
The term, ‘bullying’ usually conjures images of mean-spirited adolescents cornering another child in the school corridor; or increasingly, what can happen among this age group online, on social media sites.
But it turns out that meanness and bullying is an increasingly common problem among the older demographic. A couple of hours of research on the topic suggests that the communal nature of senior living communities can provide fertile ground for the formation of cliques and similar social behaviours. And even older people living at home in their old neighbourhoods can experience bullying within their social circles.
Psychology Today magazine defines bullying as “a distinctive pattern of deliberately harming and humiliating others.”
American eldercare consultant and author, Frances Shani Parker says examples of bullying in seniors communities often includes:
- Criticising or ridiculing another person who does not meet the bully’s accepted standards for clothing, social status, relationships, religion, sexual orientation, economic background, or virtually any other characteristic, behaviour or status.
- Verbal or physical abuse of victims, which may include yelling, hitting, pushing, or kicking. [Parker notes that in some cases, the attacker brushes these incidents off as accidental.]
- Stealing or destroying property, and/or lying about the victim in order to assert power or authority. [She says, for instance, a bully may lie to the administration in a senior living community regarding the victim’s actions in order to cast the victim in a poor light.]
Author and former Secretary of Aging for the US State of Pennsylvania, Linda Rhodes, names some additional forms of bullying which may occur in the senior population, including:
- Spreading rumours or whispering when the victim enters a room
- Invading a victim’s personal space
- Criticising or ridiculing physical or mental disabilities
- Offensive gestures and facial expressions
The US seniors organisation, AARP, says it can also involve “saving seats or reserving spaces for clique members in meetings, dining rooms, restaurants, or during outings or other events.”
These behaviours, they say, may seem innocent enough, but can be extremely hurtful to those outside of the clique who may be isolated or left to dine alone.
Is bullying alive and well in Australian retirement villages?
Do we recognise any of these behaviours? Pamela Judge says the response she had to her recent comments about interpersonal conflicts was the biggest response she has ever had to any newsletter
topic. She says she received about 15 calls or emails from people after the newsletter was sent out, all people with stories of their own experience or something they were aware of in their own villages in South Australia.
Yes, there is the issue of people living at close quarters, perhaps for the first time, and no, we do not have to like every person we meet. But we shouldn’t ever lose sight of the importance of courtesy, consideration and tolerance; not to mention compassion, generosity, understanding and giving people a fair go!
Is this really such a widespread problem in retirement villages or generally among older ‘mature’ grown ups? It’s something I’d like to hear about and explore. And also look at what we can do. With your help, of course.
Discussion10 Comments
Being “frozen out” was one of my first experiences of village life, although having only 25% male residents, my husband was welcomed. Fortunately I am still “young” enough and active enough to have lots of outside interests, so I was not overly upset. However, I stood up at the next residents’ meeting and thanked those who were welcoming and related how I was frozen out three times at my first dinner. The solution? The residents opted to have someone “welcome” new residents and show them where to sit. Not really a solution as I see it, because the cliques continue. However, I believe with current elderly, it is inevitable. A new generation of elderly will be better educated and maybe less set in their ways.
I live in a lifestyle village and I have had the same experiences, but even worse the Owner of our village is also a bully, I have been threatened with eviction called a trouble maker because I stand up for myself and other residents, but when it comes down to it I am always left holding the bag they wont stick up for themselves,
The owner put covers over our heaters in the community centre so we could not change the temperature
Subject: Plastic covers on the heating panels in Community Centre.
We the residents of this Village believe we are being treated like children, when we are unable to adjust the heating in our Community centre to suit our purposes.
Your policy manual states
” your community centre is here to enjoy as an extension of your home and we want you to use it and it facilities regularly”
In our homes we are able to adjust our heaters to suit the climate, nights are colder than days and there are times when we are more active and do not require the heater to be as high.
Why should the heaters be on the same temperature all the time even if no one is using the facilities? (this is a waste of power) we believe the plastic covers should be removed so as we can get back to enjoying the facilities that we pay for.
This is when I was threatened with eviction.
Indeed a manager of a village may be like managers everywhere and lose perspective of what they are there for — and being paid by residents for. Remind yourself and others that “I am paying that manager’s salary via my fees”. People now in the 70s-80s went through a repressive schooling system and probably a top-down religious upbringing so they do buckle when bullied.
The first time I attended a function in our Village nearly 15 years ago I was asked at the entry if I was the person “across the road” (the newest section of the Village) who’d been calling the residents geriatrics. I had never heard anything like this mentioned. I then went to locate seats for my husband and myself and was continually told “they are taken”. A very kind lady called me over and said we could sit with her and her friend. This is something I have never forgotten and I used to visit her from time to time while she lived in the Village.
When my husband and I were elected to the Residents Committee we made a point of taking our lunch and sitting at a table where there were vacant seats, our way of getting to know residents. We helped people out whenever we could, even during the night. We were eventually “bullied” to such an extent we no longer wished to be on the committee and since then have attended very few activities, preferring to either stay home or participate in local activities.
We were victims of the April storm when a small number of village units were left without electricity for a number of days. I was disgusted with the treatment we received from other residents, I heard it said it’s independent living they can look after themselves. The Manager kindly arranged for two generators which gave us power for a couple of days. Food that had been left by management in a fridge for those without electricity was eaten by other residents in the Village. We were made feel we had were not part of the village.
A neighbour asked me to attend a performance by a Choir for the Cancer Council. We went across to the Hall and saw two empty seats and when we went to sit in them were told they were taken. Some places were reserved with name tags. We found another two and introduced ourselves to those residents one of whom turned her back on us. I later heard the reserved seats were being kept for the workers. One of them remained empty. It is sad that nothing has changed in 15 years.
Would I recommend retirement village living – no way.
This is the second retirement village I’ve lived in in 3 years and I hate it more than the first. The clickiness and the constant bad mouthing, and residents totally ignoring you. The management is arrogant and patronising. Nosy parkers knocking at your door telling you that
your bin is on the wrong side of the verge. Residents peering through their curtains watching
your speed and seeing who visits you. I also feel that the maintenance is practically non existent with fences rotting and gardens not kept up. Some residents have felt that they are
not in control of their properties, because of management taking over. I will definitely be
leaving within the six months to get my money back before I am trapped here and real depression sets in.
are there resources out there that can help?
perhaps humerus cartoons for notice boards to make people think?
I feel where I live im treated as if “im not old enough”
the mean girl thing is definitely evident amongst the “ladies”
It is now 2020 and I would like to know if any support or advice is available for people experiencing bullying in their lifestyle village.
Management of our village are unwilling to intervene,understandably. However it is very difficult for individuals who are consistently being isolated, talked about and denigrated by those who believe they have power.
We (I) need some advice on ways to confront the constant harassment and find some way of moving on. The persons involved in spreading the rumors and doing the name calling refuse to talk to those they are harassing.
Is there a legal solution we (I) can take .
By accident I came across this site and I’m so glad I did. I had just came away from having a “meeting” with the Village Manager over 2 pot plants of mine…it didn’t end up with just speaking to the village manager..she had brought along the Area Manager as well…the matter of “breaching my contract” etc rose in the conversation…being spoken to in an extremely condescending way, her bullying manner left me so distressed, felt humiliated and decided to go online to see who could help. After coming across this site it is obvious I’m not alone here..other people are experiencing difficulties living in …Independent…Retirement Villages.
How does a person deal with a bullying Village Manager..she was as nice as pie whilst I was going
through the “ buying into village process” …it was..all fake
I’m left wondering about the question you asked…is there a legal solution to these problems…
if there is I would be interested to know.
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
If only there was somewhere to find support and maybe a solution?
This is my first time in a retirement village. I am 78. I moved here last year in July and my friend who used to share a house with me decided to join me. Since we arrived here he has been diagnised with Dementia. He has consistently been bullied by the younger residents which are mostly women, but specifically one person who has a number of hangers on and who she uses to do her dirty work. Her behaviour has resulted in several residents having to be moved away from the section where we live. She has targeted several people over the year I have been here, yet the manager informs us there is nothing she can do. If there are laws in place to deal with bullying in the work place surely they can be applied to retirement villages. The kind of stress this causes is detrimental to physical and mental health and severely affects very vulnerable people. We do not know where can we can go to get support and assistance. It would be helpful if a solution can be found. Do you have any suggestions? Does anyone?