Good manners – is it really that hard?

There’s no doubt that the binds of social etiquette have been stretched by the challenges of the modern life but what, asks Keryn Curtis, has the world come to if parents are coming to legal blows over RSVPs to kindergarten birthday parties?  

Sometimes the doing the right thing can seem awfully complicated.

Back in January this year, there was one of those barbeque-stopper-type stories in the international news about a five year old child from England – Alex Nash – whose parents were issued with an invoice for £15.95 (just over AUD $30) as a ‘no show fee’ for Alex’s failure to attend another child’s birthday party.

The mother of the child hosting the party, argued that Alex’s parents had previously confirmed that Alex would be attending the celebratory event, which was being held at a nearby commercial ski slope and snowboard centre in Devon in south west England.   She argued that Alex’s no-show had left her out of pocket, and that his parents had her details and should have contacted her to advise that their son would not be attending. (Presumably she could have reduced the numbers upfront on the day without penalty and saved herself the £15.95.)  She threatened legal action if Alex’s parents refused to pay.

A tangled web

It was such an interesting little story, with all of the gnarly questions of propriety and layers of complexity it threw up.  Like, how rude to send the child’s parents an invoice?  Isn’t a birthday celebration a voluntary, spontaneous act of social generosity?  As hosts, like it or not, don’t we expect to take it on the chin (and in the hip pocket) when seats aren’t filled or food not consumed at our gatherings?

But assuming that the invitation made clear that the event was being held at the said commercial party centre, should not Alex’s parents have been considerate of the costs involved and had the courtesy to call or send a text to the mother hosting the party, to advise that Alex had inadvertently been double booked (grandparent visit apparently…)?   Should they have offered to reimburse the mother for the expenses incurred through their poor diary management (and should/would she have accepted?)?

Would the situation have been different if Alex had turned up at school the next day with a gift-wrapped Lego Monster Fighters set and a heartfelt apology?  Does a gift offset the cost of the outlay in the host’s thinking? Should a gift always follow if you can’t attend the party?  Is the gift’s value important?

What has the world come to if parents are coming to legal blows over RSVPs to kindergarten birthday parties?   As the BBC’s legal correspondent, Clive Coleman chuckled in one of the news reports about it: “It’s amusing to imagine what a children’s party invitation seeking to create a contract might say: “I, the ‘first party’, hereinafter referred to as the ‘birthday boy’, cordially invite you the ‘second party’, hereinafter referred to as ‘my best friend’, to the party of ‘the first party’.”

But seriously, perhaps the mother hosting the party was in a difficult financial situation; perhaps she promised her young boy a year ago that he could have his party at the ski centre with its specially painted party room, balloons and promises of mini pizzas, fizzy drinks and a superhero birthday cake with his name on the top in sticky green letters.  In a moment of extravagance – or maybe guilt – did she say, yes darling, you can invite 15 friends from kindy?

Most of the reports about this story focused – perhaps rightly – on the unusual step of issuing a formal invoice to the parents.  While both Alex’s parents and the other mother were interviewed in the media about their overall handling of the matter and expressed their respective views about the ‘correct’ etiquette in the situation, the negative reporting did fall more heavily on the other mother.

“But to be invoiced like this is so over the top – I’ve never heard of anything like it,” Mrs Nash told the UK’s Guardian newspaper. “It’s a terrible way of handling it – it’s very condescending.”

Simply rude

I’m not sure ‘condescending’ is the right word here.  I think the right word is ‘rude’ and I think it applies to both parties.

If you (or your dependent child) are invited to a social event for which there is a formal RSVP request and you respond in the affirmative then you should do everything you can to alert the host as soon as possible if something unexpectedly occurs to prevent you from attending.  Not because you are conforming to some rule book about social graces but because it is the right thing to do.  You are mindful of the feelings of other people and understand that there is likely to be some impact on your host.

A follow-up apology or explanation is a good idea too.  A phone call or a note or card is a generous acknowledgment that, at the very least, you value the host’s thoughtfulness, hospitality, time and effort.  If you know you have probably seriously inconvenienced them, ruined the event for others, or incurred a financial cost for them (like concert or theatre tickets for example), go ahead and send flowers or at least make the offer of reimbursement.  If it is a child’s party for which the convention required a present, then send the present later.

Whatever the situation, short of being run over by a bus – in which case you would almost certainly be excused – failure to turn up when you said you would is simply rude and shows a lack of consideration for other people.

On the flip side, it is equally rude to send the inconsiderate no-shower an invoice for the cost to you of their failure to attend. That says you weren’t offering a sincere and unconditional request for the pleasure of their company.  Instead it suggests the invitation comes on a conditional, transactional basis: a sort of “I’ll shout you a free dinner if you turn up and impress my friends/bring a gift/tell me how terrific I am!”

Do unto others!

Getting it ‘right’ in our relationships and interactions with other people – whether it’s at work, at home, in our neighbourhood or in the supermarket carpark – is much easier if we apply the old biblical ‘golden rule’ (which is in fact common to every religious faith): do unto others as you have them do to you!

The American writer and socialite, Emily Post, who became the most famous authority of the early 20^th century on how to behave graciously in society and business said that consideration, respect and honesty are the tenets of etiquette and the principles upon which all manners are built.

“Manners are a sensitive awareness of the feelings of others. If you have that awareness, you have good manners, no matter what fork you use,” said Post.  I’m with her.   More on this to come!

Do you have a view about manners in the changing world?  Feel free to send me your views.  Leave a comment here or you can email me: editor@frankandearnest.net.au