Researchers have found that being able to tell when your partner is happy or sad can strengthen your relationship – but when anger or contempt comes into the mix, the relationship can quickly tank.
The study by a team of psychologists from the University of Rochester and the University of Toronto tried to work out under what circumstances the ability to read another person’s emotions – known as ‘empathic accuracy’ – is helpful for a relationship and when it could be harmful.
Taking 111 couples who had been dating for an average of three years, they particularly looked at whether the perception of a partner’s emotions had an effect on the quality of a relationship – and why people were motivated to change their behaviours or attitudes when asked by a partner.
The result?
The team found couples who accurately perceive ‘appeasement’ emotions – such as sadness, shame or embarrassment – have better relationships than those who pick up on ‘dominance’ emotions – like anger or contempt.
This goes both ways – whether the person is asking for a change – such as spending less money or losing weight – or are receiving a request to change.
“If you are appeasing with your partner – or feel embarrassed or bashful – and your partner accurately picks up on this, it can signal to your partner that you care about their feelings and recognise a change request might be hurtful,” Bonnie Le, an assistant professor in the University of Rochester’s psychology department, and lead author of the study, said.
“Or if your partner is angry or contemptuous – what we call dominance emotions – that signals very different, negative information that may hurt a partner if they accurately perceive it.”
The study uncovered that if even just one partner felt angry, or displayed contempt, the quality of the relationship tanked – regardless of whether the other partner’s ability to read emotions was accurate or not.
And, regardless of how well a person was able to decipher a partner’s emotions, this didn’t increase their motivation to actually follow the partner’s request for change.
So, what do the researchers advise if you do want your partner to leave that job they don’t like and find something else they do?
They say that direct communication – whether positive or negative – is more likely to lead to change in the long run.
That said, the emotional tone you take when you ask your partner for a change is (unsurprisingly) important.
“It’s not bad to feel a little bashful or embarrassed when raising these issues because it signals to the partner that you care and it’s valuable for your partner to see that. You acknowledge that what you raise may hurt their feelings. It shows that you are invested, that you are committed to having this conversation, and committed to not hurting them. And the extent to which this is noted by your partner may foster a more positive relationship.”
So, it’s like your parents always said: ask nicely – and just maybe your partner will take the rubbish out more often.
