Five years and more than five hundred conversations as a domestic violence phone counsellor taught me many valuable things.
The most important is that domestic violence is a crime perpetrated mostly against women and children and almost exclusively by men. Most usually they are men who have learned to be violent from other older men, often in their birth family.
The next most important learning experience has been realising that efforts to reduce the incidence of domestic violence are mostly directed to supporting the victims.
Is it the right emphasis?
Recently a senior police officer stated that he expected “…reported cases of domestic violence to increase ten percent this year…”
Ten per cent!
If a ten percent annual increase in any other form of crime was anticipated, the uproar would be deafening! Would we combat it by increasing support for its victims? Of course not! We would increase every possible effort to apprehend, sanction, punish and re-habilitate the perpetrators.
Comparatively little effort is devoted to sanctioning, penalising and attempting to rehabilitate the perpetrators of domestic violence. Why not?
Footballers who strike another player are very often suspended, fined and ordered to undertake ‘anger management’ or ‘behaviour change’ courses before they are allowed to play again. If they offend repeatedly they are barred from the game for life.
If the management committees of football clubs have the power and the will to “name” and “shame” their players, why can’t the legal process do the same?
The men in the group listened to her politely but when she asked if there were any questions the silence was deafening! After she had left, the consensus among the men was “…you can’t talk about these things with women…”
Men sanctioning other men
The answer may well lie in the fact that they are men sanctioning other men.
Once, but only once, in my five years as a telephone counsellor and the many years since, have I had the opportunity to co-facilitate a ‘Behaviour Change Group’ for eight men, of varying ages, who had been issued with Intervention or Apprehended Violence Orders by a suburban Magistrates Court. Each man had to contribute $20 per session to the cost of employing the professional facilitator.
The course, sponsored by a Melbourne suburban Uniting Church, ran for ninety minutes each week for six weeks. I was there as co-facilitator because I was, and still am, obviously an older man. Because older men so often plant the seed of future domestic violence, I think it is important that older men play a part in the rehabilitation.
I am unable to say if any of the participants re-offended but only one man dropped out and the end-of-course feedback was uniformly positive.
It is of interest and value to note that, one evening during the course, a 65+ years old woman counsellor was invited to speak for half an hour on “the woman’s point of view”. The men in the group listened to her politely but when she asked if there were any questions the silence was deafening! After she had left, the consensus among the men was “…you can’t talk about these things with women…”
It really is up to every one of us men to support the statement that “…real men do not hurt woman or children…”
Breaking down barriers between the sexes
This experience illustrates an absolutely crucial reality that cannot and must not be ignored in discussing male perpetrated domestic violence.
There are deeply ingrained and deeply buried issues of sexuality, libido, gender rivalry and indeed, erectile dysfunction involved in male perpetrated domestic violence.
Male perpetrated domestic violence will never be satisfactorily addressed, let alone overcome, until and unless “we men accept that it is OUR problem and that WE must fix it….”
The truth is that the male perpetrated domestic violence problem will never be solved as long as it is approached on any basis involving “them” and “us” thinking between the sexes.
The absolute reality is that it is OUR problem. It affects our children and we must work together to resolve it before they too become adults.
Specifically, we men, must accept the fact that we are the perpetrators and that…”there but for the grace of God go I…”
It really is up to every one of us men to support the statement that “…real men do not hurt woman or children…”
