Interesting question: how do you talk to an intelligent, responsible man, aged say 70, that he must plan for his life possibly falling apart?
Events like an incapacitating stroke or a car accident or significant back injury. Mental illness like depression and dementia can be thrown in and even divorce, with its financial and housing impacts.
It appears the answer is, it’s not easy having these conversations, particularly with we men. But we must.
The conversation men need to have
This was a topic in our office as we scanned how many of our fathers or friends around this age have actually taken out the ‘insurance’ of being prepared for an ‘event’. The answer was close to none.
We concluded that men, like me, refuse to discuss the possibility of anything ‘bad’ that could occur in our lives. Things are great now and we want nothing to do with confronting anything negative.
But the thing is only ‘bad’ things come out of not having things ‘in order’ when an ‘event’ happens. Mayhem for the family scrambling to provide support; medical and other interventions that are not wanted by the patient.
On our website agedcare101 we discuss all this in the context of late ageing – dementia and loss of capacity and so on – but we tend to forget things can happen earlier. We decided we want to get a section on agedcare101 to get men to talk with family – early.
Planning for the future
After 30 minutes of discussion, we came up with a plan. First research the incidence of ‘bad events’ in this age bracket. Second, have a list of actions the man should implement if he is being responsible, plus the tools so it is easy. And third, declare one day each year when the responsible family members are going to do a quick review of the plans with the man to ensure they are still valid.
Father’s Day was suggested but we decided that was poor taste.
We agreed a stroke was the most likely ‘bad event’ that men could relate to. A quick check of the National Heart Foundation website revealed that each year an average of 13,500 men aged 65 to 74 will die of medically related ‘events’ (meaning outside of accidents). Of these 9% or 1,200 will die of a stroke. But 7,600 will have a stroke and live. That is 21 men a day, every day.
And life after a stroke is rarely the same. (Incidentally 15% of deaths will be from cancer).
Be prepared
Then we ask the simple questions that become important. Does he know what he wants in the event he can’t decide for himself? Where are the passwords to bank accounts to access money? Who has authority to make medical decisions if he is incapacitated? Who can make financial and legal decisions? Does he want all family members to be involved?
Remind him that without the plan all these decisions will be made for him at a time of high emotion, followed by a possible long recovery that dislocates a lot of people’s lives.
When we put it this way, it is almost sounding selfish for ‘our man’ to not get a plan together because, hopefully, the family will drop everything to help out. To not make it easier by getting things worked out in advance as an insurance policy is, well, selfish self-denial.
What do you think our plan of an annual review day and what would your advice be to get the conversation started? We would welcome your thoughts. Click here to respond.
