If you are over 45 and haven’t had a personal connection with cancer – either your own experience or the experience of someone you know – let’s face it, you are unusual.
It is true that cancer isn’t necessarily a death sentence today and that many cancers can be cured completely. But the diagnosis of any cancer – the confirmation that rogue cells within your body are running amok and creating havoc beyond your control – remains hugely traumatic.
Thankfully it may not be life-ending or even life-limiting, but for most people, it is definitely life-changing at one level or another. And there is always a treatment process to go through…. which is never fun.
What can you say?
So what do you say to someone who has cancer? Most people mean well and want to offer their support but worry about how to do it sensitively. Will you offend the person if you say ‘the wrong thing’? Or make them feel more miserable than they probably already are?
People who have cancer or who have experienced cancer in the past can probably offer the best advice. The following tips come from a range of sources – all people who have had cancer (or still have cancer) themselves. There is a lot of common ground.
Bravery is when someone chooses to take on something that is frightening and challenging. With cancer it isn’t a choice.
Some tips on what NOT to say:
“Cancer these days isn’t as bad as it used to be”
Simply not helpful. The person may well have spent the last two days vomiting and weeping into the toilet bowl…
“That’s a good cancer to have”
Again, unhelpful. There are no ‘good cancers’. Yes, some respond better to treatment than others and it may be the case that this person will come through the treatment well but few people undergoing cancer treatment will be keen to be told how lucky they are
“What are your odds?”
For most people, these sorts of discussions take place only within the closest circle of family and friends. Take the person’s lead. If they discuss odds and likelihoods, fine. But don’t you bring it up first.
“You’re so brave”
It is no doubt well-meaning but most people who have cancer don’t feel very brave. Bravery is when someone chooses to take on something that is frightening and challenging. With cancer it isn’t a choice. If it was, you wouldn’t have chosen it! (See “Be encouraging” in the list of things TO say.)
“My mother/father/sister/friend/uncle (etc) had that cancer. It was awful. S/he died.”
Usually you mean well. You are saying you have had the experience of someone you love going through what you are going through so you have some understanding. But take the person’s lead. If they want to hear about the experiences of other people’s cancers and treatments and outcomes, they will ask. But spare this person from the ‘tragic’ events and especially the details of how painful and terrible it all got before the bitter end.
For the most part, people who have cancer don’t want unsolicited advice, however well-meaning, about the marvels of carrot juice or coffee enemas […]
“You’re a fighter. I’m sure you will be able to beat this.”
The ‘battle’ analogy only goes so far. Yes, undergoing treatment and making changes to your life are all part of trying to get rid of the cancer but sometimes – for all kinds of different reasons beyond anyone’s control – it can’t be beaten. And it’s not because the person ‘didn’t fight hard enough’.
“Have you tried…?”
This is a big one for people who have cancer. For the most part, people who have cancer don’t want unsolicited advice, however well-meaning, about the marvels of carrot juice or coffee enemas or anything else your sister/mother/neighbour might have sworn by.
Cancer is complicated and varied according to a great many factors yet some people feel they know better than the healthcare professionals. Most people with cancer have made considered decisions and informed choices about their treatment. Being pressured by others to change treatments or try particular supplements can really increase the burden on them.
Take the person’s lead. While they may think it’s ok for you to share information about a treatment that someone you know might have had, there’s no place for proselytising or foisting things on the person with cancer. Respect their choices.
“Think of all that time off work!”
People who have cancer are not on holiday. They are forced to take time off work or other activities because dealing with cancer is a full-time job.
“We didn’t think you’d be up to it”
Dealing with cancer can take up a lot of time and be exhausting but that doesn’t mean you want to be left out of everything. There are often good days and bad days, good times and bad times and just because you have cancer, doesn’t mean you’re not interested in seeing a movie or having a coffee or even going out to eat. Sometimes you might be desperate to get out of yourself and do something different.
The best advice is ‘don’t assume – keep inviting.’ The person who has the cancer can tell you whether they can make it or not but it is always nice to be included.
“Yeah, I’ve been feeling really exhausted too”
Here’s the scenario: You ask the person with cancer how they are feeling; even just a casual, ‘how are you going?’ If they say they’ve been feeling nauseous or tired, resist the temptation to share your own feelings of nausea or tiredness. The reasons are different and its not a competition.
…nothing…
Don’t say nothing. Always say something, no matter how overwhelmed or upset you may feel. When someone tells you they have cancer and you respond with silence, it can be especially painful. Particularly if you are a close friend or loved one. [see the first point in the section below on what you CAN say.]
Don’t look for things to blame and don’t lecture!
People with cancer do plenty of self-analysis and unhelpful worrying about whether they brought the cancer on themselves through something they have done or not done in their lives. They don’t need to be prompted by others and they definitely don’t need lectures at this stage about things that can’t be changed.
Now, some tips on what you CAN say and do:
It’s OK to say, “I don’t know what to say.”
You can be honest about how you’re feeling about this news. The person who has the cancer has most likely been in your position before and they know how it can feel. It’s a tough situation and nobody expects you to be an expert. Be honest, remember it’s about them, not you and take it from there.
It’s OK to say, “I’m sorry you’re having to go through all this.”
Sometime a simple acknowledgement that the person with cancer is having to deal with a pretty tough time is really appreciated.
Be encouraging… sensitively
An Australian doctor dealing with her own metastatic cancer for the last seven years said in an interview that she personally likes it when people tell her that she is ‘strong’. Note, this is different to telling someone they are ‘brave’. Strong is something that most people can genuinely be, to the best of their ability. This doctor says, while circumstances are a factor, generally being told that she is strong, helps her to feel strong. “Often you’re not feeling strong,” she says. “You’re putting all these toxic substances into your body but I know it helps me.” She says others in her cancer support group agree.
Be normal
Talk to the person with cancer about all kinds of things, not just their cancer and how they’re feeling. Invite them to see a play, a film or a concert or to have dinner. They are still the same person. They are usually still interested in their families, friends and colleagues, their work, the world, what’s in the news etc etc. Often they are desperate for distractions and keen to talk about anything BUT cancer.
Speak from the heart
You can’t go wrong here. Any expressions of love and reassurances of support are very welcome. Hugs and promises of treats or fun at key milestones are nice too. Don’t focus too much on the cancer; focus instead on the person you care about and what you can do for them.
Be practical and helpful
Offers of help are much appreciated but best when they are specific offers, rather than general statements of willingness. Instead of, “You know I’m here whenever you need me” or, “Give me a call if there’s anything I can do to help,” try, “I’m going to the supermarket. If you give me your list I’ll pick up your groceries.” Or, “Can I give you a lift home from chemo?” Dropping off a meal or two each week, returning library books, hanging out a load of washing, picking up kids from school or sport…these are the kinds of offers that are likely to be accepted gratefully.
Some people say they really appreciate recommendations for good books, films and TV programs for the days when it might be hard to get off the couch. Drop over some books and magazines or a pile of DVDs. Chipping in with other friends to pay for a weekly cleaner is another nice idea.
Think first, remain sensitive
Remember it’s about them, not you. Be thoughtful and sensitive in your interactions; don’t jump in with both feet before you think. Imagine how you might feel if it were you in that situation. And if the person seems reluctant to discuss something, don’t press them relentlessly. Be honest but sensitive and take their lead.
Have you had an experience of cancer? Or do you have a loved one going through the experience now? Feel free to add any other comments or suggestions you have found useful.
