Researchers have found that it’s very common for ageing parents to be obstinate, refusing to take advice or suggestions from younger people to make their lives easier or safer.
Gerontologist Allison Heid at the US Penn State and Rowan University measured adult children’s perceptions of stubbornness among their ageing parents.
In an initial study of 189 adult children and their parents, Heid and her colleagues found that 77% of children (average age 55) reported stubborn behaviour by their parents, at least sometimes.
But two-thirds of the parents (average age 80) described themselves as stubborn too.
In a later study, the researchers asked 192 middle-aged children to keep a seven-day diary of parental interactions. Of those who had contact with their parents that week, 31% reported insistent” behaviours and 17% reported “risky” behaviours, 11% said they encountered both.
Ms Heid says what’s really happening in such situations is a case of ‘mismatched goals.”
“If the goal is not shared, that’s when conflict arises,” she says. “Such clashes, and related reports of stubbornness, increase when the parent and child live together, she found. Perceived stubbornness also rises when a parent’s disability increases.”
The researchers suggest trying to equalise power in the relationship, allowing the parent to also provide support, even by just listening empathetically to a child’s account of their tough week so the relationship is not all one-sided.
They also recommend negotiating with your loved one gradually until you reach a mutual agreement.
So maybe next time you think Mum or Dad is being stubborn, try some negotiation – after all, we all have a right to live how we would like.
